During the counselling course I had received a lot from God.
My self-knowledge had improved. I learnt to recognize, accept and handle my emotions.
Similarly to the Biblical story of Elijah, many times I felt alone, someone who does not have a “man”.
Helping others comes naturally to me. On the other hand when I need someone to help me, most of the times I am left alone. In my relationships so far I have given more than I have received. I would really need to be on the receiving end of the relationship!
In the counselling course we talked about our early childhood memories. I was very self-conscious when I volunteered to be analysed by our leader in front of the whole group. I shared one of my childhood fears.
By the end of the discussion it had become clear to me that I worked out a life strategy I still use even today! As the older sibling, in my childhood many times I had to behave like an adult. As a result of that I had developed a self-preservation strategy:
- In different communities I do not want to burden others with my problems, I do not dare to talk about my fears as I have to tackle them on my own!
- I do not ask for help, this way I cannot be refused thus I do not have to face the pain resulting from being refused.
- It is very difficult for me to open up before people.
- I tend to close down and get isolated, I fear that I might be refused.
- Many times I feel an outsider and excluded.
- I expect people to read my mind and would offer their help without being asked. I would only feel loved this way.
- Fear of rejection is so strong in me, but I am learning that everyone has the right to say no.
As an adult I have created an image of myself:
- I am a superwoman who handles everything though from God’s power yet on her own, and
- I do not dare to ask help as I might get refused!
With the help of God, together we busted this balloon.
I have realised that I can be fallen, someone who is afraid of things, even sick and needy.
I can only share the burden of others if I dare to admit these to myself.
I can ask things of others, yet I need to learn that one “no”, one rejection does not necessarily mean that I, as a person, am refused.
In my church I would like to learn to ask for help which will be difficult at the beginning.
Meanwhile I do have a “man”, a sister in church with whom I can share my thoughts and feelings. It does help a great deal!